4 weeks ago
Sunday, October 4, 2009
The Skinny on Being Fat (or Something Like Fat)
A commenter on chictopia turned me onto a site called fatshionista. It's a website devoted to plus sized women and the clothes that they wear. While I don't find their actual site excessively user-friendly, I did enjoy that they had a flickr presence. I post almost all of my outfits there and I'm liking what I see from the other ladies. Yesterday, though, when I posted my daytime outfit, I got a comment that read: "You're skinny!"
I was kind of distraught by this comment.
In the spirit of complete transparency, I will admit that I am typically a size 16, sometimes an 18 depending on the clothes and whether or not I want to make it fit.
I'm not skinny enough to have the luxury of most clothes coming in my size, but I'm also acutely aware of the fact that I am not your typical plus sized woman. I don't look the part. This comment made me wildly insecure last night and I couldn't stop the guilt of not being either skinny or fat from creeping in.
I remember a quote from actress Nia Vardalos right when My Big Fat Greek Wedding came out. She said something along the lines of "As an actress, I was too big to be a star and too small to be a plus sized comedienne." That's exactly what I feel.
I am also not your typical plus sized girl in that most women gain weight where they are supposed to (i.e. in their butt, thighs, and breasts). In contrast, the first place that I gain weight is around the stomach and the lovehandles (which is far more typical of men). Evidentally, it has something to do with higher levels of testosterone, which makes sense when I take into account my personality and my low, low voice.
I'm getting long winded here, but I do want to include a small weight bio for everyone, because I think it's important that people know where I'm coming from. My sophomore year of high school, I weighed 135 pounds. I was not slender, but built solidly. I was an athlete. Then, for unknown reasons, I gained about 10 pounds before I moved to Denmark. For the year that I lived in Denmark, I gained another 5-10, but that was to be expected, given that I was trying new foods and all that. Since then, I've fluctuated up and down, but I'm about 50 pounds larger than I was 10years ago.
Sometimes I gain weight when I'm stressed or upset and other times I lose weight when I'm feeling the exact same way. There is very little rhyme or reason. I used to not buy clothes when I felt that I was getting too big and that was just hell. I work out five days a week, I'm in good shape, and my body is healthy. I decided about a year ago (now that my weight has plateaued) that my body is just fine and that the brain was what needed correcting. I'm mostly satisfied with myself (plus, there are lot more significant flaws in my personality to attend to), except that I struggle with categorization of my weight. Am I plus sized? Am I a more traditional size? Who the hell knows, but I'm trying not to let comments like the one on flickr (which was probably sincere and not a knock, eventhough I've made out to be bad) get me all upset. Because it might make me gain weight. I kid, I kid!
images via fatshionista on flickr